Yelling and exploration
I remember growing up the anxiety that was spread when voices were raised and escalated to shouting.
Hearing my own escalating voice sends shivers down my spine when I address young kks. Why do I bother yelling at kks? Yelling indicates I drifted toward laziness. Sometimes I am lazy. Other times, I am purely anxious and looking for an easy target. Kks doesn't deserve that. She struggles to articulate, and I know I am a contributing factor. I know I can do better.
We recently returned from a trip to the UK. The extended time away made me realize how much joy I can have exploring with kks. With a renewed devotion to sabbath and a reasonable schedule, I look forward to exploring with this precious little girl. I hope she will enjoy the time with me. Sometimes she doesn't trust that I will be there, because I am so easily distracted. Maybe the trip will be an indicator that we can spend some extended time together. And maybe I will make more time to communicate with her so that she will have the opportunity to get to know who I am.
It is also entirely possible that kks is developing a strong will of her own and will make me crazy regardless of what I do.
Such is the exploration of love in the parent-child relationship.